“Peace be With You!” that’s the phrase that we used to say to each other in church, back in the Netherlands. And yes indeed, every time I walk out of the church it felt like I’m going home carrying a basket full of peaceful feelings in my heart. Kristian and I would then bike home together, sometimes feeling so cold that our body started to shiver – but we would still have smile in our faces. We would pass the quite bosjes (small woods), sometime drop by there if we’re not that hungry yet, or take a longer route to enjoy the empty streets, pass the Albert statue and say hi to him… It was really nice.
Today is Sunday and I just got back from church as well. I hate to say this but I miss the peaceful feelings I used to have after church when I was in NL. So sad that now, every time I get back from church I always feel frustrated, upset, tired, and have all the other collection of negative feelings. It wasn’t from the service, but it was from the meeting for our youth camp.
I wonder if the peaceful feeling that I used to have after attending church in NL was because I was merely a church attender. If I were to be involved in church in NL as well, would I be feeling frustrated like this? Or is the feeling that I’m feeling right now is just a part of the series of culture shock that I have to deal with? Maybe after some time I would not feel disturbed anymore having to collaborate with one evangelist who acts like a real bureaucrat. And maybe after a while I won’t be annoyed working with people who are not committed to their work. If this is a matter of culture shock, I don’t know if I should let myself keep on being exposed to all of these matters at church (hope that one day I’ll somehow get myself used to it again L) or should I just stop being involved in order to feel peaceful again. I don’t know.
Oh… so tired of having to bear all these emotional baggage that I never carried when I was still in NL. I’m so tired of being angry most of the time for trivial things. So tired of wondering why people are acting the way they do. These feelings really drag me down; it makes me so unproductive.
Hush now… be still my heart, I always tell myself. But sometimes the external exposures are just too strong that all I can do is just spending my time, looking at the pictures in my laptop, of a place where I can feel so peaceful.
Wish that I can belong there again.