still an alien

I remember when I was dealing with the visa application to Holland. I found it so funny and strange to be called an alien. Yeah, the word alien always reminds me to something extraterrestrial; the invaders! That’s why I always thought like, hellooo… I have 10 fingers here and not 6, why do you people called me an alien? But at one point I managed to accept that though I’m not a green person with big eyes and I also came to the Netherlands with KLM instead of a flying saucer, but yeah, this country considered me an alien.

I saw my ‘alien side’ when I was biking and a little girl overtook me. She was riding a bike which was bigger than my bike, Cool Girl. Of course, I have to bike with a kinderen fietsen because I’m not used to biking in Indonesia. And this little girl, maybe her parents have taught her how to bike ever since the day she was able to walk, hehe…

And of course, I can see how physically alien I was during my first walk to Centrum. Being surrounded by Dutch people, I feel so small – in a literal meaning. Dutch people are so tall, just google “Dutch Tall” and you’ll see the hundreds of records of articles, questions and wonderment about their height…  Holland is really the land of the giants!

But inside, I never felt like I was an alien. I connect very well with the life in there. I like the way they appreciate the nature. I like how everything is in order. I like their old castles and museums. And I love my life in there, especially with the fact that I didn’t know lots of people which gave me more freedom – free from the demand of social activities that I have in my home country. I was able to build my own rhythm in doing things, without much interference. Holland is densely populated, but Dutch people is really good in respecting other people’s privacy. If I get tired with my routines I can always bike to the parks, the beach or the bosjes. There, life is so peaceful. If you go out you can breathe fresh air, you can see the ducks swimming along the canals, and you can also hear the church bells singing. In sunny days when you look up to the sky you can see the tracks left by the jet planes, as if someone was scratching the sky with a white pencil. Ah, maybe I’m just an alien who fell in love with the country that once became my home for 16 months.

Now I am back to my hometown. Of course all the documents show that I am not an alien anymore. But strangely, I feel so alienated. It has been 27 days that I’m back in here but I still find myself struggling hard to adjust. Adjusting to my old role as a daughter, sister, friend, owner of two naughty dogs…. Adjusting to the high temperature, slow internet access, people’s way of living … My health is not helping as well; I have a cold and also stomachache every time I ate spicy foods.

Each day I try hard to move on, but it’s just so hard to let go of my life in NL. Sometimes I wonder about my next dream. But then I realize that I am still waking up from a dream and now I’m still in the process of trying hard to get a grip of the reality. Asking myself the meaning of living far away from the person that I love and having to stay in my hometown and work here. It is a very complicated thing so I only end up doing things to survive.

Be still my heart… God never promise that life will be easy, that the sky will always be bright… but one thing for sure is that God will be there to help me. So help me God…


3 thoughts on “still an alien

  1. Yes, it is surprising how much of a stranger you feel even though you come back to where you came from. The feeling of being a stranger among you friends and family, yet feeling like being a friend among strangers in a far away land. You’re right, we have to find the meaning to all of this. One day, the meaning will come to us. One day, we will no longer see our partial pictures but our complete selves. Yet, there’s still a long way to go. So let’s keep the fire burning to light our way and keep ourselvles warm along the way. Keep our faith, hope, and most of all, love.

    • Thank you! Holland is really awesome. I can spend all day and tell you about the things that I miss from Holland. I’m looking forward to visit your country again, and walk the Scheveningen beach! Meanwhile, enjoy your Spring!

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