It was my professor who asked me this question:
“are you ready for coming home?”
At that time, during our farewell dinner, i thought that question was stupid – of course i am ready to go home. Nothing would be so difficult about going home… just need to pack my stuffs and go back! I won’t be landing in an unfamiliar place, nor will i be with some stranger or something. I will go back to my own family, my hometown, to the streets and places that i’m so familiar with…
Then suddenly this afternoon after having a conversation with my mom over the phone, i realize that it’s not that simple. Going home also needs a preparation. I might coming back to the same old reality that i refuse to see all this time. I will soon leave my safe escaping place. And though i will be back to the same place where i used to be, but things might change as well… That’s why now my head is filled with a list of ‘what-if’ questions. What if i can’t cope with the changes? What if people have different expectations on me now? What if life back home now is no longer as less-complicated as it used to be? What if…
Sadly, although i demand myself to find some answers, i ended up clueless… Only have this strong, strong feeling that I don’t belong, that I’m not here nor there. I feel lost as i walked to the beach and saw the empty Seinpost dorm. There used to be my friends there, so i can always visit them every time after i visited the beach. But they have gone… there were only some new people that i don’t know sitting in the kitchen, the place where i used to gather with my friends.
A change is difficult.
And i remember the curve that Mbak Siska of Nesso drew for us, during our pre-departure briefing. She said that we should expect the ups and downs; at the beginning of our stay in the Netherlands where we are still in the ‘honeymoon stage’, everything will look beautiful. Then as our study becomes more challenging etc, then we will experience the down. No worries, the curve will go up again after some time, even reaching the peak. Then expect the down again when we’re going home, because we will experience another culture shock.
Well I dont know whether this was true or not, for all this time i think i managed to keep the curve stays flat – only a bit down when i was in the earlier phase of my research – but yeah, it was relatively stable. But what if it’s true… that in a certain point soon it’ll fly down?